I’ve been running for however many years now, but only today did I learn about something called an ‘SPI belt’.
It’s got nothing to do with spying or communications technology; apparently a small personal item (SPI) belt is what a runner wears to carry his or her gels, music device, shark repellent or what have you. In fact, ‘SPIbelt’ is the trademark of an American company which makes that product.
Its first champion was Batman with his utility belt – you can see Batman running with his SPI belt on in the opening credits of every show.
For not knowing what an SPI belt was, let alone not using one, I am of course now shamed and discredited, a pariah in the running-blogger community.
To try and scrape back some credibility, I’ve resolved to immerse myself in all the latest accessories for runners, no matter how gimmicky or faddish.
So, here are the latest running accessories I’ve been using:
An SPI belt is all well and good for knuckle-dragging newbies and mouth-breathing fun runners, but the dedicated athlete needs something more sophisticated. Who wants to be mistaken for a jogger? Not me!
These exclusive SPI braces offer maximum support with a touch of class. Available with matching running-sock garters.
Let’s face it; running in the rain is a drag and ruins your look. What’s more, it’s been scientifically proven to add an extra 1.7 percent to your wind resistance quotient, which we all know is a crucial indicator of running performance.
Golfers and hapless football managers have been harnessing the benefits of sports umbrellas for years, and now runners can also enjoy maximum dryness while still looking good. It’s adaptable too – on holiday or warm-weather training your running umbrella can also be used as a UV filter.
Bowel rate monitor
Wish you could check your lavatorial needs while out running, well before the unpleasant surprise of a sudden rumble followed by a spray-tan job down the backs of your legs? Want to have precise, uploadable data on how quickly you’re converting that pre-run banana into energy? Well, now you can.
The new wave of high-end GPS watches includes a bowel rate monitor along with your traditional heart rate monitor. Simply insert the probe, start your watch, and hey presto – a mild vibration warns you of any imminent explosions or of a variation from your optimum bowel range. Comes in a range of colours.
Minimalist running socks
You want the sanctimonious authenticity of barefoot running, but also the modern comfort of stockinged feet. And you want a close fit for your toes. Is that not too much to ask?
Et voilà! These fast-acting high-performance toe socks give you an extra layer of man-made fibres inside your industrialised-rubber minimalist running shoes. Try them and you’ll see; it’s how running was meant to be.
Running wheelie case
Your working day is enough of a chore as it is without a heavy, sweaty, irritating backpack turning your 10-mile run-commute into a real drag. Now imagine having to take a business trip that same evening. Reschedule your run and plod to work with your good suit in your suitcase like a non-running schmuck? That’s loser talk, pal!
Get the winning advantage with a hard-wearing cabin-sized wheelie case engineered especially for runners. Its velcro pullstrap hooks into your SPI belt for maximum convenience. Tests show that the streamlined hard-shell exterior works with your slipstream to maximise aerodynamic performance, knock out the creases from your suit and help you run faster. Also available in check-in size.
Ask for these running accessories at your local running store.